A Letter to My Future Self

Dear future me,

When I saw this prompt I thought for sure I would write a letter to my past self, because I know that what I know now will pale in comparison to what you know- what could I possibly tell you? But I thought back to the shoebox time capsule we made at 8 years old and how, when we opened it, it reminded us of so many values and memories and ideas that we’d forgotten. Sometimes I forget that progress doesn’t mean leaving behind the past, but being able to think about it in new and ever expanding contexts. So, I’m writing to you. This letter is for future me, whoever she is, wherever life has taken her.

Being a junior in high school right now, I think my mind has been overcome with the future. I just took the SAT this week. I get home to letters from colleges. Everything feels like it’s approaching much faster than I’m ready for, and sometimes I wake up in the morning with dread in my stomach. If I think about it rationally, I shouldn’t be worried. Life goes on. Everything goes on. Time isn’t something to fear. But what if I miss an opportunity? What if something I love changes, or someone I love leaves, or I make the wrong decision? I know the answer to these questions- it’s that all of them will happen and life will go on. But I feel stuck in a feedback loop where, even though my body recognizes inevitability, my brain is trying to shield me. I’m protecting myself from grappling with the fact that, even if you try, you might not do everything you wanted to do. And I’m trying not to feel regret for everything I haven’t done because I didn’t push hard enough. Why didn’t I start earlier? Why didn’t I advocate for myself? I have a lot of questions, if you haven’t caught on, and I don’t know what I’m looking for in telling them to you.

All of my worries aside, what I most hope for you is that you carry with you love. I’m writing this letter for Kode With Klossy’s 10th anniversary, and the support, inspiration, and warmth I felt both years I’ve attended KWK is truly what I wish for you to hold in your heart. I believe that this camp has changed my life. I think I emerged a more positive and open person. I remember feeling so full of love after demo day my first year that I came home and just looked at photos from camp while crying (happy tears of course). Moving states and being without so much of what I knew was so, so difficult. It still is. But I think the first time I felt truly embraced after moving was at camp. I felt like people liked me for me. I know that, at the end of the day, that sort of love is going to be something we must find inside of ourself to be at peace. I’m not sure if you have it yet, or if that sort of thing is more of a lifelong journey, but if I can leave anything with you it would be that everything you need is already inside yourself. Be loud. Be goofy, be serious, be honest. Be the things you’re scared to be and do the things you’re scared to do. And most importantly, remember that you should never feel like you have to change yourself to be loved. That doesn’t mean stay the same, or don’t work on yourself- grow!! But the people who you are meant to be with will embrace you, not some mask you put on for their approval.

I love you,

- A